Like many origin stories, this started with an end

Saying it was a break-up that finally put an end to my years-long hiatus from blogging is hardly earth-shattering. Okay, maybe not counting the initial shock of my friends when they found out that I was in an actual relationship this past year. But hey - it was a surprise to me, too. I hadn’t counted on it when it happened but just like all my other (sadly few) relationships I just decided this was a go and went for it. I was never into long and torturous "courtships". And after being single for four, five years - who’s counting - it was a major leap for me. I honestly thought this was the last guy I was gonna date.

But now it’s over.

And writing is my way of coping.

So here we are.

If self-assessment counts, I would say I’m doing better than I expected. I’ve mostly avoided being bitter or at least I’d like to think I have a decent handle on it so far. And just a smidge of insecurity, something I’m not accustomed to. I’ve been least successful with post-mortem analysis which is what keeps me awake sometimes. But two weeks into singlehood and I’ve come up with hard truths that have somewhat become my mantra:

1. I’m on my own. He left. End of story. No matter what the reasons were or how I feel about it or what I think he feels about it, it changes NOTHING. 
2. I gave it my best shot. No more wondering if I could’ve done it better or where I went wrong. And it wasn’t because I didn’t love enough or I didn’t trust earnestly. I think I trusted too much when I was told that I was loved and that everything would work out. So I gave it everything that I didn't even know I had in me. I’d like to think knowing this was what made me more zen about the whole thing, but on tough days I can’t help but think of the flipside - that my best wasn’t good enough. Whatever the case, it is what it is.

Anyhow, I’m grateful I have at least one thing going for me. If anything, this whole experience sort of gave me a newfound faith on relationships. I know, pretty weird, right? But in the past few years my idea of a good relationship was more of a partnership. Life is hard enough, why not make it easier by sharing it with someone who will always have your back? One who appreciates your values, your principles, and share your triumphs? I never went into the relationship wanting to be the girlfriend, I wanted a partner because I viewed Life as a team sport that we would systematically conquer together. Respect was gonna be key in making it work and trust was going to automatically follow; falling in love was just a bonus but not as necessary.

The surprise I mentioned pretty early in this reflection paper (heh) wasn’t the fact that I was or could be in a relationship. It was the fact that I actually found love with someone I thought would also be a good teammate.

And if it happened for me then I guess it could happen again.

And now that I know I am capable of opening up and giving more than I could have ever imagined, it can only get better from here.