Some things are better left unsaid - or not (Part 1)

There's a cute Netflix movie that came out recently that's stirring the feelings of teenage kilig I didn't know I still possessed. Called "To All The Boys I've Loved Before", the movie is about how its protagonist, Lara Jean, didn't want to deal with the intense feelings she had for her crushes, so she ended up writing letters to them that she never sent out. This unabashedly high school scenario nevertheless struck a familiar chord - what if I could say one last thing to people I've been in previous relationships with knowing what I do now?

You know how you're never eloquent at the moment when you're ending a relationship, regardless of what Hollywood movies lead us to believe (no one's that verbose when you're getting your heart broken, okay)? And then days later, you wish you expressed about a thousand other heartaches or exposed wounds that you secreted like a martyr to avoid conflict or save whatever it is you thought was worth saving at the time - but you didn't, so now you want to let it all out like word vomit. But you can't (or shouldn't). Writing it down in a letter (or a blog, in this instance) that will never get to whoever it was addressed to seems ridiculous at first - but then, this way you're still letting it all out. But it's not gonna hurt anybody, it's less confrontational, less messy, and less awkward/psycho.

So what have I to lose? This is cheaper than actually paying for therapy.

* * *

Dear R,

I hate to admit it, but you were on the right track all along. When you said you wanted a partner - which sounded pretty funny to me back then - I get it now. Many of the things you said to me back then only made sense to me years later - and yes, despite our three-month gap that you were so proud of, making me the older woman - I'd have to say you were incredibly mature back then and we were leagues apart in that regard.

I'm sorry I wasn't there with you yet.

And I'm sorry for a lot of other things I may never get the chance to tell you. I knew you were pretty special and yes, odd, but I didn't realize the rarity of your character until much later. The things I value in people at this stage of my life, what I now consider to be truly essential, you already had them. I didn't appreciate them as I should have but I think I met you when I was young and bright-eyed and thought that everyone were just as genuine, open, and trusting. Took a while before I found out that wasn't the case.

Despite your moody and brooding countenance, you were always that strange guy who would go out of his way to fix something that nobody even noticed, without anyone asking. You kind of looked like you had a sign on your forehead that said "fuck off" but then you were actually someone who cared. You would totally be that person who would stop his car at the side of the road to help out an old man cross the street, even if you were in a hurry. 

And even when I had hurt you, you were never, ever malicious, nor spiteful - and for that alone, I think you deserve a Lifetime Achievement Award. No, really - you are #goals. You never retaliated with anger, and I wish I could be that kind of person, too. Like the comic Hannah Gadsby once said about anger - I may have the right to feel it, but it has no other purpose but to spread blind hatred and I want no part of it.

If I could do it all over again, I would be patient with your fragility and your awkward way with words. Realness is worth everything, and if I could have that again, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Thanks for always having my back then, and teaching me (though you didn't benefit from it) to let go of the little things. Because at the end of the day you and your partner are on the same side and you should always work together for what makes both of you just better human beings. I feel as if that's the most important relationship lesson I've learned so far, actually. I can honestly say - while many relationships leave scars and trauma for the next one to handle, I think I moved on from ours the better for it (in the best way possible).

Lastly, I always hoped you'd believe in yourself more. We haven't been in each other's lives for quite a while now, so I can't judge from the occasional birthday/holiday greetings and the short, random conversations on Telegram - but I hope by now you've realized the world is yours for the taking. Dude, none of us really know what we're doing and you have nowhere to go but up. Really.