Some things are better left unsaid - or not (Part 2)
Dear M,
I wanted to write this at a later date, hoping that a little more time would give me a clear and fair perspective. But I'd be lying if I said what happened between us doesn't bother me anymore (and I never lied to you, so I'm not about to start now), and part of the reason why I wanted to do this writing therapy was to help me feel at peace about all this.
See, when the numbness faded after the break-up, I started feeling furious at myself. There were so many things that happened in our past where I should have looked out for myself better. I may not have been perfect, but I know I didn't deserve to be left hanging like that - and I don't mean after the break-up. I was left in all the ways that mattered. If I had to be honest with myself, I felt you had checked out months before we broke up, but I stayed and tried to do my best because I wanted to do everything I could to win you back in case I was wrong about you falling out of love. Because like I told you later on - there were moments, you know. There would be these wonderful moments that made me think that you just needed me to be there for you. So I worked on it, got ahold of my emotions and stress, and always had your back. I learned from my previous relationship that I regretted not trying harder, not appreciating the other person enough or making him feel small, withdrawing to my shell or retaliating with sarcasm when I'd feel hurt instead of looking for a way to fix things, and not focusing on the fact that we were on the same side because that's what a fucking relationship is all about.
And I was on your side, you know? I don't think you did, and I regret that. Once or twice you asked me (during an argument), maybe sarcastically, if you were the bad guy again - so that whenever I'd feel something angry, spiteful or anything that resembled a complaint coming out of my mouth, I'd keep it shut. I wasn't always successful, as you know. But I tried to stfu because I didn't want you to be the bad guy, either. I was more on your side than I was on mine. And no, I never lied to you but when it came down to telling you my feelings or not making you feel like the villain, sometimes it was just no contest.
If I could have a do-over, I wish I realized sooner that you had trust issues and maybe we could have dealt with it better. I'd always been honest with you, but even my honesty was rejected so many times that I'd be left with nothing to say (hence, those moments of silence that didn't improve things much). Why else would you ever think that I thought you stupid? Or think less of you if you ever needed my help? Or that what I would take as innocent remarks be called criticisms on you? I don't think you didn't like my having opinions or a brain - but I just realized much later on that most of the things you took offense to was because you thought I was against you somehow. Even the small, trivial things. The realization that it was because you didn't trust me had hurt. Still does, tbh. Because I still don't know what I did that was so terrible to be doubted like that.
But I'll never tell you these things because 1) knowing these will just hurt you and none of it actually changes anything 2) I do believe you're that kind of guy who wants to do the right thing. In fact, I'm almost convinced you stayed with me even when you'd probably already checked out a while back because you wanted to do right by me.
I wish we could've been friends before we jumped into the whole relationship thing. But then, meeting you felt life-changing and I wasn't the type to waste time when I was already sure about what I wanted. We were just both excited and in awe of each other, swept off our feet at meeting someone who seemed like a soulmate that we skipped right to it. But looking back on it now, if we had been friends first, we probably would've been able to trust and respect each other more.
If there was only one thing I could tell you right now, it's to assure you that I'm not mad and I don't hate you. Sure, I hate whoever it is that fucked you up and made it hard for you to trust anyone - but I don't hate you. I don't want you to feel bad, even if I'd been unresponsive to your recent messages. But see, from where I'm standing, I had already given my everything in that relationship. And I had experienced all these different kinds of rejection while being in a relationship - mental, physical, emotional - that I had to ask myself, haven't I had enough? Haven't I given more than enough?
I had already given everything, which means I can move forward without looking back.
And because you're the kind of guy, you'd want to make sure I was alright after the inevitable happened. Then maybe we would have kept in touch like those girls you dated but had to let down once we became a thing. Thanks, but no - I'd already given it my best shot, and running the risk of being pitied for all that seems cruel. So if you don't mind, I'll hold on to my last shred of dignity.
I wanted to write this at a later date, hoping that a little more time would give me a clear and fair perspective. But I'd be lying if I said what happened between us doesn't bother me anymore (and I never lied to you, so I'm not about to start now), and part of the reason why I wanted to do this writing therapy was to help me feel at peace about all this.
See, when the numbness faded after the break-up, I started feeling furious at myself. There were so many things that happened in our past where I should have looked out for myself better. I may not have been perfect, but I know I didn't deserve to be left hanging like that - and I don't mean after the break-up. I was left in all the ways that mattered. If I had to be honest with myself, I felt you had checked out months before we broke up, but I stayed and tried to do my best because I wanted to do everything I could to win you back in case I was wrong about you falling out of love. Because like I told you later on - there were moments, you know. There would be these wonderful moments that made me think that you just needed me to be there for you. So I worked on it, got ahold of my emotions and stress, and always had your back. I learned from my previous relationship that I regretted not trying harder, not appreciating the other person enough or making him feel small, withdrawing to my shell or retaliating with sarcasm when I'd feel hurt instead of looking for a way to fix things, and not focusing on the fact that we were on the same side because that's what a fucking relationship is all about.
And I was on your side, you know? I don't think you did, and I regret that. Once or twice you asked me (during an argument), maybe sarcastically, if you were the bad guy again - so that whenever I'd feel something angry, spiteful or anything that resembled a complaint coming out of my mouth, I'd keep it shut. I wasn't always successful, as you know. But I tried to stfu because I didn't want you to be the bad guy, either. I was more on your side than I was on mine. And no, I never lied to you but when it came down to telling you my feelings or not making you feel like the villain, sometimes it was just no contest.
But I'll never tell you these things because 1) knowing these will just hurt you and none of it actually changes anything 2) I do believe you're that kind of guy who wants to do the right thing. In fact, I'm almost convinced you stayed with me even when you'd probably already checked out a while back because you wanted to do right by me.
I wish we could've been friends before we jumped into the whole relationship thing. But then, meeting you felt life-changing and I wasn't the type to waste time when I was already sure about what I wanted. We were just both excited and in awe of each other, swept off our feet at meeting someone who seemed like a soulmate that we skipped right to it. But looking back on it now, if we had been friends first, we probably would've been able to trust and respect each other more.
If there was only one thing I could tell you right now, it's to assure you that I'm not mad and I don't hate you. Sure, I hate whoever it is that fucked you up and made it hard for you to trust anyone - but I don't hate you. I don't want you to feel bad, even if I'd been unresponsive to your recent messages. But see, from where I'm standing, I had already given my everything in that relationship. And I had experienced all these different kinds of rejection while being in a relationship - mental, physical, emotional - that I had to ask myself, haven't I had enough? Haven't I given more than enough?
I had already given everything, which means I can move forward without looking back.
And because you're the kind of guy, you'd want to make sure I was alright after the inevitable happened. Then maybe we would have kept in touch like those girls you dated but had to let down once we became a thing. Thanks, but no - I'd already given it my best shot, and running the risk of being pitied for all that seems cruel. So if you don't mind, I'll hold on to my last shred of dignity.
With all my heart, though, I do wish you'll find your inner peace. And I know you're an amazing friend to others, you've even held on to plenty of relationships since childhood - I'm probably just your one bad egg that you'll forget soon enough. I do wish I did you some good, though. And maybe some day, when you're finally satisfied with your life's work, you won't be afraid to open yourself up and trust a little bit more. And that's all I ever really want for you even if I can't say it to your face.
Take care.
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