2020, tentatively

Considering my propensity for procrastination, I consider it a little win that it's only been 21 days since the new year started, and I've somehow managed to push myself to do more, and go out more, and here I am now, even writing. I'm glad I did all those. I mean, I always am, whenever I end up doing something. But starting anything is a never-ending struggle with me - and that includes just going out and doing whatever it is. I say yes to things and then regret it a few hours before I have to go.

It's been smooth sailing now, these past couple of weeks, even though it was off to a rocky start. I started going to counselling, which was incredibly daunting to me. So it turns out, I do have what I've been suspecting I have, and at least I am acting on it. The biggest lesson I've yet to learn is how to not react and let go of thoughts, feelings, and reactions, especially since it might trigger anxiety and depression. I'm working on it. I've even already downloaded a mood tracker and a mindfulness app for it, though I still don't have a routine for it (same with my non-existent exercise routine).

I think, other than starting things, the next step is to have an organised schedule or routine for everything else to give myself structure. That way, I keep my mind and body busy, til I figure out the next steps. I know some simple truths I can stick to - I'm here in Sydney to study, and I need to do everything I can to keep that going. I also know, even though sometimes I need to be reminded, I am extremely lucky and privileged. That I'm smart, pretty, and still relatively young, so I'll fucking figure this out somehow. 

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This kind of living ain't happiness - but I'll take distraction from sadness any time. Sometimes I think adulting is just trying to keep your head above it all, and do something worthwhile while you're at it.

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I've also started volunteering. I think I'll save that for another post because it's somehow surprisingly become the bright spot in my otherwise bleak outlook and I kind of want to dissect it.