Dandelion moments

I've been meaning to write more, because I didn't want this to be just a repository of the lowest moments of my life in recent years. And lately, I've been feeling that I'm in a good place. It's not a perfect life, nor are things getting all that easier for me, but one day, I was just sitting on the grass in my backyard, surrounded with dandelions, feeling the sun on my face and I thought - I feel genuinely happy, for no reason. And I hadn't felt that in a while. Like I was 22 again, and the world was full of possibilities. There wasn't anything special (although I remember it was that day an extension was announced for one of my assignments, so I had time to just sit and pause), but I didn't want to think too much about it. It just was, and that was enough. 

The day I was dreading happened, though. I hate it, I knew I would hate it because even though I resigned myself to the inevitable a long time ago, I had a good relationship with him after the break up. And I was starting to think it was possible to remain friends, to heal without cutting contact.  I thought I had already put things behind me months ago. I had stopped hurting. Seven months ago, to be precise, I felt like I had finally accepted things I couldn't change, and it gave me some peace because I stopped struggling internally. But I feel like the break up happened again because the talk we had made me question myself - if I had done this or that, if I had insisted on couples counselling and we had this talk earlier, could we have saved the relationship, could we have gone back to feeling like equals? But now I have to remind myself that, as clear as it looks now, back then we had been on a stalemate. All these things came into focus only after time apart, after it had been clear to both parties that there was no going back. At that time, when it was slowly dawning on me that there was nothing I could do, I had to frame the situation in terms I could address, because I was done feeling helpless and going against a brick wall. I had been trying not to drown for a long time and I was just so tired...I just knew I didn't want to be 40 and still be in this situation.

Maybe our paths would cross again in the future, but right now, we both need to get unused to each other. I'd like to think we were good people that just didn't fit. And timing is a bitch - maybe if the friendship had come first, if I had regained my confidence and didn't falter in who I am and what I stand for, if I had stuck to my guns...lots of other ifs. Anger, bitterness, regret, are all human emotions. We aren't the sum of our worst days. 

Wherever you are, I wish you happiness, even if it isn't with me.