Tempus frangit

Trying to recover from all of these health problems from the past month made me realise something - I am not as okay as I thought I was, and it was perhaps manifesting in other aspects of my life and affecting me physically.

I thought I was okay because I didn't think I had regrets, and I am content with what I have now and have accepted where I am in life. And for the most part, maybe I was successful. In fact, I was pretty successful about forgetting things, but I remember them when I pause and try, or when they're brought up. And only now realise that these things still hurt, and I'm still in the process of healing from these things.

I've always thought that anger was something I could do without. It feels like a burden, it feels unnecessary. But part of me now thinks that's the problem - I didn't get angry. Past Alex put away her feelings in a box and hid it, and left instructions: "You don't have to remember what happened, only that this is what we've decided to do about it. No matter what you think you're feeling in the future, the only thing you have to remember is that this is the best decision for yourself." Past Alex is nothing if not efficient, and I don't blame her for switching into survival mode.

I've gone back to meditation, and I feel as if I am getting somewhere with it, finally. Some friends have brought up going back to counselling ot help me with sleeping problems, but I'm still a little daunted about what I might unearth again. Taking time off from work has helped me somewhat, but I'm also a bit worried for myself if I go back to my normal pace of working, which was how I used to operate in Manila, and if I'm doing so badly now, it's going to be much worse later on. I guess this is Future Alex's problem and I have to be patient that Present Alex is doing the best she can under the circumstances.